Buenos momentos y malos momentos: good moments and bad moments

"There's something you guys have to know, lately they have been taking a lot of tests in my eyes. They told me that I could loose my eye sight. I don't want you to worry about it, but I want you guys to know before it's too late."  my older brother voice turns into this high pitchy voice as if a teenager was barely hitting puberty. 

"Well we have to hope for the best and pray to God and only be positive." My mom responds to my brother. She holds my hand under the table so my brother won't see. Tighter and tighter.. I hold my tears back. He knows that my mom is in a very difficult situation, very emotional. My mom leaves the table and goes to her room, I follow her. She sits down and get goose bumps on her skinny brown weak arms, and she puts her hand into a fist. I never notice. - field notes 11/13/14 7:39 pm field notes.

I always blame my dad for my moms pain. The only reason I blame him too was because I didn't take the blame.

Maybe I'm wrong. What if it's not depression? I pay attention to on what's wrong with her and notice only the bad. I want to think that it's depression but in fact it's worrying. My older brother; loosing his eye sight,  Older sister; working way to much. Doesn't even sleep.  And my other older sister; seems to be into trouble with the law. My mom is not the who hurting me, we're hurting her. Explains why she can't look me in the eye or any my siblings. She's always crying but won't say. I'm scared of that I can loose my Mom when she's loosing her children. She almost lost me. A teenager fighting depression and pot head. I never seen my mom so scared before. Taking my brother to rehab center. We're not a perfect family but we're a strong one. I knew that my mother will always be worry about her kids but not to the point where she's getting sick. 

The other night I was looking for a hair tie and went by her night stand and i got a paper cut out of nowhere. I soon found a picture of us from two years ago. 

Picture taken on 12/21/12 from my moms phone. Printed out and under the pillow.  Found on 10/29/14 

The whole family, including my neice and nephew ( missing the older sister).  A picture that servers a memory where my mom is happy, no worries. I wonder why the worst things happens to the best people. She give out so much when she don't have nothing. She's the roof to our house. Then there's me who's the earthquake braking down the house.  I'm the reason why she's sick. I'm the reason why she worries. While she's trying to be the strong one, I'm the weak one who breaks everything. 

She's not the one who needs help. She's the one who needs her life back. 

From the bad, there's still hope.  I already paid for my grandpas ticket from México to Reno. I told him the whole plan and he's proud of me. My moms sisters' from Kettleman,California are coming, her brothers' from vaces are coming. Talked to each and everyone and told them what's going on. They have agree to come and help me out. My family and I have decided to keep it a suprise. Hopefully my mom would be happy. 

Things are going a lot better. She's singing and dancing. Now she's going out to the Bailes(Mexican Club). She's even cooking! When's she cooking I notice she had her own dance routine, there she goes putting random stuff inside the food. She met a guy... His name is Salvador. He's from Michuacan. They met in Aguitas. I honestly think she's starting to fall in love with him. She's always smiling when she mentions Salvador. Her eyes bright up, shine brighter than I have ever seen. This could be good. Last night she went on a date with him. 

Taken by me. 11/15/14 6:30 pm. She's off to her date. 

We're living life. she says, " La vida tine buenos momentos y malos momentos. Ser inteligente y seguir adelante." Life has good moments and bad moments. Be smart and move on. I'm praying for my plan to work. All I want is happiness for my family. I'm scared if I disappointed her... I have to keep my head up and hope for the best. 

Family and Hope

It's only 4:23 am and the house is silence. My mom's phone interrupts the silence. She wakes up in a panic, that woke me up. She turns on the light. The phone stop ringing. It rings again, she answers, "hola. Quién es?" You could hear a mans voice through the phone. Her eyes are wide. I grab her hand and hug her. "Ok!" She says with her worried voice, sounds like high pitch with a little stumbling. She gets out of bed and heads to the shower. - field notes 11/6/14 

I always admired my mom. A great woman with so much love and pain.  My mother is the oldest from her siblings. My mom was their mom too, she took care of them. She's was only eight years old and she was a mom already. My grandparents never paid attention  to my Tios' and Tias' and sure hell didn't even paid attention to my mom. Since she was the oldest she had to grew up, never had a childhood. She didn't go to school. She didn't  go out, she stayed home with five kids who are barley crawling and learning how to dress them selves. She had work, clean, cook, and on top of that she had to keep five kids out of trouble. She was only eight you. At the age ten she learned how to become a sister, a friend, and brother, a father, and the most important she learned how to become a mother. Now if that's not a superwoman then what is? At age thirteen she meet my good looking dad. " I remember the first time I saw your mom. She's was short and had long black hair that tough her butt. Blue short shorts and white baggy shirt with high heals. She had you tio hector on her hip. She was yelling at your tio Juan. I fell in love with her. It was love at first sight."  My dad tells me. A tear hit the kitchen table. She never had a childhood, she didn't have education, she didn't have no one next to her, but what she does have is heart! I never met someone who gave their childhood away just to be a mother for those five kids. At age 19 my mom and father got married. Had their first child, my brother. It wasn't her first child, it was her sixth child. Five teen years later  My tios' and tias' finally got married and have their own children. My mom and dad been married for twenty five years almost twenty six years. I was only eight. Divorce was never in the plan in our lives. My mom had everything, happiness, food, shelter, home, husband, children, money. I guess I was wrong. Happiness was only temporary.  My aunts an uncles never gave the thanks to my mom. When he she need them the most, they no  where never to be found. She's 49 years old now and they only call her when they're in trouble or need something. The funny things is that she doesn't turn her back. My hey hurt her and yet they go running to her. She need help and they act like she's doesn't. It hurts her, but she doesn't mind the pain inside her.

 

The phone call was from my Tio Hector. He's in some trouble and he needs a plane ticket from Las Vegas to Reno. My mom bought the ticket. Her little baby is coming home to her. She's excited and cooking and she's dancing.

 

We called my grandpa all the way from Mexico. Even though he's the most selfish, ungrateful person ever we love him.She's talks for hours with him, crying, laughing, yelling. It look like everything going back to normal. I decided to have a little family gathering at my house on thanksgiving. I'm spending my cheek into this, even buying a plane ticket for my grandpa and anyone who needs to be here for her. Calling her cousins, friends and anyone that I know who loves my mom as much as I do. It may be impossible for me but for my mom I'll make sure it's  possible. This should be good for her, for me. Family is what makes her happy and I didn't notice that. If she got out of bed on a Saturday and cooking and cleaning and even dancing then there's hope. I have hope now. 

 

 Picture taken by me. 11/9/14 2:43 pm, she's was laughing before I took the picture. ❤️

   

Depression?

For a minute, for a fucking minute I thought everything was going to get better and this is only a little bump on the road.- field notes 10/21/14 

 I look into her beautiful eyes but all I see is a stranger. Her smile; damage. Her laugh; powerless. Doesn't she know she's not in this alone? I'm standing behind her every step of the way! Holding my tears back, anger and trying not to look devastated. Someone has to be the strong one and that's going to me. I watched my mommy overcome obstacles, knowing she is dying inside, but on the outside she looks perfectly fine, fooling everyone but her sidekick( I'm the sidekick). 

Picture taken by me. 10/18/14. I took the picture because when I look into her eyes  I see a stranger when I should be seeing my mom.

 When I was younger and till now I thought my mother was this superwoman who is perfect. "PERFECT" I say in my head every time I see her. She's not a superwoman who's perfect, she's a superwoman who's is just being a mother. She's the strong one from the family, she's the I want know what's on her mind. How can I help her? I'm no superwoman like her. I don't even know how to deal with this. I'm afraid of losing her. I'm scared to the point where I can't sleep. I know this is more then depression. For a fact this more the just depression and I'm scared if There's nothing I could do. I see her suffering and I haven't done anything to stop it. Holding her hand is not enough. I need to help her, she may be on danger to her self. My mom is gone. Although, theirs something new about her. Saturday's are usually the worst. She will lay down in her bed and stare at this old boring wall. No movement.The whole day she would just lay there, haven't eaten,not even go to the bathroom! Laying down and Stare up at the wall. On Saturday 10/25/14 my mom got up and cooked, cleaned, and the best part; she went out with her coworkers. She didn't came back until six in the morning. Her smile was just amazing. 

Picture taken by me. 10/24/14 7:42 pm. 

 I need to find a way to get my mother back for good now. For some time on I have been spent my Saturday night on the internet to find a way to help my mom with "depression." Than Sunday night she locked herself inside the bathroom. I couldn't find her for hours. I notice she has these little blackout  moments that's come out of no where and she's doesn't remember and the same smile I saw over these weeks came back. What is this? This is more then depression. website. http://m.helpguide.org/articles/depression/helping-depressed-person. The website helped me understand how the  people we love are fight over depression. Ways to comfort them and help them though this. I couldn't find anything that really was helpful for exploring something that is more then depression. For right now I'm going to going to go though the internet and research on this " more depression thingy." 

Smith, Melinda. "Helping a Depressed person" helping guide.Np. May 2014. Web.

I'm sorry.

Sometimes I wonder if she notice me looking at her. Most of my time I'm with her and the more time I spend with my mom,I notice these little things I never notice before. Like she smells her food before she eats it, and she's always humming this beautiful song. - field notes 10/16

 

Everybody at least has favorite song right? Or a song that brings thousands of memory's.  A song that gives you goose bumps. Well the reason I mention  how beautiful these feelings come from just by listening to music, is  because my experiment I tried on my mother is now complete. The experiment was to Change her depressing corriods songs into the beautiful Banda rhythm. My hypothesis was that the change of music will make her less depressed. So for the past two/ three weeks I made her hear Banda. The first was actually weird. So she's get out of bed and take a shower and Usually she'll cry the last five minutes. She actually got out of the shower with a smile. Ever since my mom been acting strange I never seen her real smile. I forgot how that smile look like. The days got better and some days I couldn't even look at her without crying. The experiment taught me something; it's not the kind of music you hear that changes your moods it's what each song means. The deeper meaning of it, that's what makes it so special. So I wanted to share these beautiful songs. 

http://youtu.be/5HVf3NIBt4Q

http://youtu.be/1sO_sN4-fR

Both songs have this meaning that express the love they have for their mother. How much they appreciate,and how much their mother means to them. 

I may not be a mother but I do know this for a fact, a mother's love is beautiful and this unexplainable felling and when a child loves their mother; it's hard for us teens to understand how much our mother loves us. 

" mom I have a song I want you to hear" I with a smile on my face, I tell her while she's putting on her makeup. 

" what kind of song mija?" She responds still putting on her makeup. 

" just to let you know how much I love you and appreciate everything you have Sacrifice for me." My voice started to crack up and a tear rolled down. 

  I played the first song and she listen to song and her eyes just popped, I played the second one. She cried. 

"Mom, I know you haven't been your self lately and I notice these little brake downs you have. Why didn't you tell me you have menopause? And don't lie to me, I saw the letter that your doctor send to you confirming the results."  I yelled at my for the first time. I couldn't believe that I told her I knew. My mother who has done so much for me is gone.. 

- field notes 10/17/14 @ 6:09 am

Silence: depression, lost, anger, and lonely. 

She's not the only one who feels like shit now, like mother and daughter. 

I love you mommy. 

 

More then you will ever know

"Do you know how much I love you?" She stared into my innocent eyes. 

I told her with a smile on my face "let me guess... You love me so much it's unexplainable" she starts laugh, then that laugh turns into crying. She gently puts her head down so I won't hear her crying. It didn't work. Her tears hits the bathroom floor, sounds like rain drops falling and hitting the windows.She's always been that kind of women who is strong and has too much self pride to cry in front of anyone; even her own blood.- field notes 10/5/14

Yes I'm a sixteen year old girl who loves to hang out with her mom, the girl who still holds her mothers hand in public. Takes naps with her on her tough days. The girl who loves to be called "baby" or "princess" by her mothers voice. Sounds strange doesn't it? That doesn't matter though, what matters is that I choose to obserivate my mother, to help her and understand what she's going through. How can some one you love put you though so much pain? Does notice me crying with her?

I am aware that some people won't understand or not lucky enough to experience this beautiful love. I found this pome and this pretty much explains the love from a mother. 

A Mother’s Love

~

A Mother’s love is something
that no on can explain,
It is made of deep devotion
and of sacrifice and pain,
It is endless and unselfish
and enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it
or take that love away . . .
It is patient and forgiving
when all others are forsaking,
And it never fails or falters
even though the heart is breaking . . .
It believes beyond believing
when the world around condemns,
And it glows with all the beauty
of the rarest, brightest gems . . .
It is far beyond defining,
it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret
like the mysteries of creation . . .
A many splendoured miracle
man cannot understand
And another wondrous evidence
of God’s tender guiding hand.

- Helen Steiner Rice

http://www.poetseers.org/poem-of-the-day-archive/a-mothers-love/index.html

 She always tells me "you will never understand my love until you have your own kids" - field notes 10/12/14

 

You are still my superwomen.

It's not easy observing someone you love. She's the one who tells me to be strong when I'm falling apart, but that's coming from someone who doesn't take there own advise. For three weeks now I have been observing my mom and the first week was just the same thing over and over. The second week I started to question everything. She's starts with her usual schedule, she's wakes up around 5:00 am, at 5:05 she's already taking a steamy hot shower and her Corrdios songs roaring through the speakers. 5:10 she washes her hair with Kérastase. 5:20 she washes her body with dove, she starts with her left leg and work her way to the feet, repeats with her right leg, then her arms and her neck. At 5:36 she stares at nothing and she falls into a ball covering her face. You could hear her silence tears,her wimpering. My heart is just broken. Seeing my superwomen falling apart. 

From my feild notes. 9/29/14

Why does she have these emotional brake breakdowns in the morning? Is it because we recently found out that my grandpa...her father has lung cancer. How can I help her? Seeing someone you love falling apart and not knowing how to help can be the hardest thing to experience. So for two days straight I've been looking through the internet and researching on emotional breakdowns. Tseng,Tiffany. "Signs And Sympotoms of A Nervous Breakdown" symptomfind. Tom larocci,MD. Web. 30 May.2014. In this cite, learning about these different symptoms of these emotinal/nervous breakdown. Helped me understand that's I need to be there, next to her, holding my superwoman and let her know she's not alone. The reasons and the struggles just driscribing emotional breakdowns. I have decided to do a little experiment. The experiment is changing to her Corridos to Banda. Reminding her of the great memories make her laugh more often. Try to help her understand this beautiful things called  life. 

 Picture taken on 10/5/2014 took her out and show her around reno, it's okay to smile while falling apart and that she's still my superwomen.

"Tu eres mi supermujer" I tell her.

"S on my Chest"  she's responds with her head held high. - feild notes.10:34 pm