Depression?

For a minute, for a fucking minute I thought everything was going to get better and this is only a little bump on the road.- field notes 10/21/14 

 I look into her beautiful eyes but all I see is a stranger. Her smile; damage. Her laugh; powerless. Doesn't she know she's not in this alone? I'm standing behind her every step of the way! Holding my tears back, anger and trying not to look devastated. Someone has to be the strong one and that's going to me. I watched my mommy overcome obstacles, knowing she is dying inside, but on the outside she looks perfectly fine, fooling everyone but her sidekick( I'm the sidekick). 

Picture taken by me. 10/18/14. I took the picture because when I look into her eyes  I see a stranger when I should be seeing my mom.

 When I was younger and till now I thought my mother was this superwoman who is perfect. "PERFECT" I say in my head every time I see her. She's not a superwoman who's perfect, she's a superwoman who's is just being a mother. She's the strong one from the family, she's the I want know what's on her mind. How can I help her? I'm no superwoman like her. I don't even know how to deal with this. I'm afraid of losing her. I'm scared to the point where I can't sleep. I know this is more then depression. For a fact this more the just depression and I'm scared if There's nothing I could do. I see her suffering and I haven't done anything to stop it. Holding her hand is not enough. I need to help her, she may be on danger to her self. My mom is gone. Although, theirs something new about her. Saturday's are usually the worst. She will lay down in her bed and stare at this old boring wall. No movement.The whole day she would just lay there, haven't eaten,not even go to the bathroom! Laying down and Stare up at the wall. On Saturday 10/25/14 my mom got up and cooked, cleaned, and the best part; she went out with her coworkers. She didn't came back until six in the morning. Her smile was just amazing. 

Picture taken by me. 10/24/14 7:42 pm. 

 I need to find a way to get my mother back for good now. For some time on I have been spent my Saturday night on the internet to find a way to help my mom with "depression." Than Sunday night she locked herself inside the bathroom. I couldn't find her for hours. I notice she has these little blackout  moments that's come out of no where and she's doesn't remember and the same smile I saw over these weeks came back. What is this? This is more then depression. website. http://m.helpguide.org/articles/depression/helping-depressed-person. The website helped me understand how the  people we love are fight over depression. Ways to comfort them and help them though this. I couldn't find anything that really was helpful for exploring something that is more then depression. For right now I'm going to going to go though the internet and research on this " more depression thingy." 

Smith, Melinda. "Helping a Depressed person" helping guide.Np. May 2014. Web.

I'm sorry.

Sometimes I wonder if she notice me looking at her. Most of my time I'm with her and the more time I spend with my mom,I notice these little things I never notice before. Like she smells her food before she eats it, and she's always humming this beautiful song. - field notes 10/16

 

Everybody at least has favorite song right? Or a song that brings thousands of memory's.  A song that gives you goose bumps. Well the reason I mention  how beautiful these feelings come from just by listening to music, is  because my experiment I tried on my mother is now complete. The experiment was to Change her depressing corriods songs into the beautiful Banda rhythm. My hypothesis was that the change of music will make her less depressed. So for the past two/ three weeks I made her hear Banda. The first was actually weird. So she's get out of bed and take a shower and Usually she'll cry the last five minutes. She actually got out of the shower with a smile. Ever since my mom been acting strange I never seen her real smile. I forgot how that smile look like. The days got better and some days I couldn't even look at her without crying. The experiment taught me something; it's not the kind of music you hear that changes your moods it's what each song means. The deeper meaning of it, that's what makes it so special. So I wanted to share these beautiful songs. 

http://youtu.be/5HVf3NIBt4Q

http://youtu.be/1sO_sN4-fR

Both songs have this meaning that express the love they have for their mother. How much they appreciate,and how much their mother means to them. 

I may not be a mother but I do know this for a fact, a mother's love is beautiful and this unexplainable felling and when a child loves their mother; it's hard for us teens to understand how much our mother loves us. 

" mom I have a song I want you to hear" I with a smile on my face, I tell her while she's putting on her makeup. 

" what kind of song mija?" She responds still putting on her makeup. 

" just to let you know how much I love you and appreciate everything you have Sacrifice for me." My voice started to crack up and a tear rolled down. 

  I played the first song and she listen to song and her eyes just popped, I played the second one. She cried. 

"Mom, I know you haven't been your self lately and I notice these little brake downs you have. Why didn't you tell me you have menopause? And don't lie to me, I saw the letter that your doctor send to you confirming the results."  I yelled at my for the first time. I couldn't believe that I told her I knew. My mother who has done so much for me is gone.. 

- field notes 10/17/14 @ 6:09 am

Silence: depression, lost, anger, and lonely. 

She's not the only one who feels like shit now, like mother and daughter. 

I love you mommy. 

 

More then you will ever know

"Do you know how much I love you?" She stared into my innocent eyes. 

I told her with a smile on my face "let me guess... You love me so much it's unexplainable" she starts laugh, then that laugh turns into crying. She gently puts her head down so I won't hear her crying. It didn't work. Her tears hits the bathroom floor, sounds like rain drops falling and hitting the windows.She's always been that kind of women who is strong and has too much self pride to cry in front of anyone; even her own blood.- field notes 10/5/14

Yes I'm a sixteen year old girl who loves to hang out with her mom, the girl who still holds her mothers hand in public. Takes naps with her on her tough days. The girl who loves to be called "baby" or "princess" by her mothers voice. Sounds strange doesn't it? That doesn't matter though, what matters is that I choose to obserivate my mother, to help her and understand what she's going through. How can some one you love put you though so much pain? Does notice me crying with her?

I am aware that some people won't understand or not lucky enough to experience this beautiful love. I found this pome and this pretty much explains the love from a mother. 

A Mother’s Love

~

A Mother’s love is something
that no on can explain,
It is made of deep devotion
and of sacrifice and pain,
It is endless and unselfish
and enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it
or take that love away . . .
It is patient and forgiving
when all others are forsaking,
And it never fails or falters
even though the heart is breaking . . .
It believes beyond believing
when the world around condemns,
And it glows with all the beauty
of the rarest, brightest gems . . .
It is far beyond defining,
it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret
like the mysteries of creation . . .
A many splendoured miracle
man cannot understand
And another wondrous evidence
of God’s tender guiding hand.

- Helen Steiner Rice

http://www.poetseers.org/poem-of-the-day-archive/a-mothers-love/index.html

 She always tells me "you will never understand my love until you have your own kids" - field notes 10/12/14

 

You are still my superwomen.

It's not easy observing someone you love. She's the one who tells me to be strong when I'm falling apart, but that's coming from someone who doesn't take there own advise. For three weeks now I have been observing my mom and the first week was just the same thing over and over. The second week I started to question everything. She's starts with her usual schedule, she's wakes up around 5:00 am, at 5:05 she's already taking a steamy hot shower and her Corrdios songs roaring through the speakers. 5:10 she washes her hair with Kérastase. 5:20 she washes her body with dove, she starts with her left leg and work her way to the feet, repeats with her right leg, then her arms and her neck. At 5:36 she stares at nothing and she falls into a ball covering her face. You could hear her silence tears,her wimpering. My heart is just broken. Seeing my superwomen falling apart. 

From my feild notes. 9/29/14

Why does she have these emotional brake breakdowns in the morning? Is it because we recently found out that my grandpa...her father has lung cancer. How can I help her? Seeing someone you love falling apart and not knowing how to help can be the hardest thing to experience. So for two days straight I've been looking through the internet and researching on emotional breakdowns. Tseng,Tiffany. "Signs And Sympotoms of A Nervous Breakdown" symptomfind. Tom larocci,MD. Web. 30 May.2014. In this cite, learning about these different symptoms of these emotinal/nervous breakdown. Helped me understand that's I need to be there, next to her, holding my superwoman and let her know she's not alone. The reasons and the struggles just driscribing emotional breakdowns. I have decided to do a little experiment. The experiment is changing to her Corridos to Banda. Reminding her of the great memories make her laugh more often. Try to help her understand this beautiful things called  life. 

 Picture taken on 10/5/2014 took her out and show her around reno, it's okay to smile while falling apart and that she's still my superwomen.

"Tu eres mi supermujer" I tell her.

"S on my Chest"  she's responds with her head held high. - feild notes.10:34 pm