Buenos momentos y malos momentos: good moments and bad moments

"There's something you guys have to know, lately they have been taking a lot of tests in my eyes. They told me that I could loose my eye sight. I don't want you to worry about it, but I want you guys to know before it's too late."  my older brother voice turns into this high pitchy voice as if a teenager was barely hitting puberty. 

"Well we have to hope for the best and pray to God and only be positive." My mom responds to my brother. She holds my hand under the table so my brother won't see. Tighter and tighter.. I hold my tears back. He knows that my mom is in a very difficult situation, very emotional. My mom leaves the table and goes to her room, I follow her. She sits down and get goose bumps on her skinny brown weak arms, and she puts her hand into a fist. I never notice. - field notes 11/13/14 7:39 pm field notes.

I always blame my dad for my moms pain. The only reason I blame him too was because I didn't take the blame.

Maybe I'm wrong. What if it's not depression? I pay attention to on what's wrong with her and notice only the bad. I want to think that it's depression but in fact it's worrying. My older brother; loosing his eye sight,  Older sister; working way to much. Doesn't even sleep.  And my other older sister; seems to be into trouble with the law. My mom is not the who hurting me, we're hurting her. Explains why she can't look me in the eye or any my siblings. She's always crying but won't say. I'm scared of that I can loose my Mom when she's loosing her children. She almost lost me. A teenager fighting depression and pot head. I never seen my mom so scared before. Taking my brother to rehab center. We're not a perfect family but we're a strong one. I knew that my mother will always be worry about her kids but not to the point where she's getting sick. 

The other night I was looking for a hair tie and went by her night stand and i got a paper cut out of nowhere. I soon found a picture of us from two years ago. 

Picture taken on 12/21/12 from my moms phone. Printed out and under the pillow.  Found on 10/29/14 

The whole family, including my neice and nephew ( missing the older sister).  A picture that servers a memory where my mom is happy, no worries. I wonder why the worst things happens to the best people. She give out so much when she don't have nothing. She's the roof to our house. Then there's me who's the earthquake braking down the house.  I'm the reason why she's sick. I'm the reason why she worries. While she's trying to be the strong one, I'm the weak one who breaks everything. 

She's not the one who needs help. She's the one who needs her life back. 

From the bad, there's still hope.  I already paid for my grandpas ticket from México to Reno. I told him the whole plan and he's proud of me. My moms sisters' from Kettleman,California are coming, her brothers' from vaces are coming. Talked to each and everyone and told them what's going on. They have agree to come and help me out. My family and I have decided to keep it a suprise. Hopefully my mom would be happy. 

Things are going a lot better. She's singing and dancing. Now she's going out to the Bailes(Mexican Club). She's even cooking! When's she cooking I notice she had her own dance routine, there she goes putting random stuff inside the food. She met a guy... His name is Salvador. He's from Michuacan. They met in Aguitas. I honestly think she's starting to fall in love with him. She's always smiling when she mentions Salvador. Her eyes bright up, shine brighter than I have ever seen. This could be good. Last night she went on a date with him. 

Taken by me. 11/15/14 6:30 pm. She's off to her date. 

We're living life. she says, " La vida tine buenos momentos y malos momentos. Ser inteligente y seguir adelante." Life has good moments and bad moments. Be smart and move on. I'm praying for my plan to work. All I want is happiness for my family. I'm scared if I disappointed her... I have to keep my head up and hope for the best. 

Family and Hope

It's only 4:23 am and the house is silence. My mom's phone interrupts the silence. She wakes up in a panic, that woke me up. She turns on the light. The phone stop ringing. It rings again, she answers, "hola. Quién es?" You could hear a mans voice through the phone. Her eyes are wide. I grab her hand and hug her. "Ok!" She says with her worried voice, sounds like high pitch with a little stumbling. She gets out of bed and heads to the shower. - field notes 11/6/14 

I always admired my mom. A great woman with so much love and pain.  My mother is the oldest from her siblings. My mom was their mom too, she took care of them. She's was only eight years old and she was a mom already. My grandparents never paid attention  to my Tios' and Tias' and sure hell didn't even paid attention to my mom. Since she was the oldest she had to grew up, never had a childhood. She didn't go to school. She didn't  go out, she stayed home with five kids who are barley crawling and learning how to dress them selves. She had work, clean, cook, and on top of that she had to keep five kids out of trouble. She was only eight you. At the age ten she learned how to become a sister, a friend, and brother, a father, and the most important she learned how to become a mother. Now if that's not a superwoman then what is? At age thirteen she meet my good looking dad. " I remember the first time I saw your mom. She's was short and had long black hair that tough her butt. Blue short shorts and white baggy shirt with high heals. She had you tio hector on her hip. She was yelling at your tio Juan. I fell in love with her. It was love at first sight."  My dad tells me. A tear hit the kitchen table. She never had a childhood, she didn't have education, she didn't have no one next to her, but what she does have is heart! I never met someone who gave their childhood away just to be a mother for those five kids. At age 19 my mom and father got married. Had their first child, my brother. It wasn't her first child, it was her sixth child. Five teen years later  My tios' and tias' finally got married and have their own children. My mom and dad been married for twenty five years almost twenty six years. I was only eight. Divorce was never in the plan in our lives. My mom had everything, happiness, food, shelter, home, husband, children, money. I guess I was wrong. Happiness was only temporary.  My aunts an uncles never gave the thanks to my mom. When he she need them the most, they no  where never to be found. She's 49 years old now and they only call her when they're in trouble or need something. The funny things is that she doesn't turn her back. My hey hurt her and yet they go running to her. She need help and they act like she's doesn't. It hurts her, but she doesn't mind the pain inside her.

 

The phone call was from my Tio Hector. He's in some trouble and he needs a plane ticket from Las Vegas to Reno. My mom bought the ticket. Her little baby is coming home to her. She's excited and cooking and she's dancing.

 

We called my grandpa all the way from Mexico. Even though he's the most selfish, ungrateful person ever we love him.She's talks for hours with him, crying, laughing, yelling. It look like everything going back to normal. I decided to have a little family gathering at my house on thanksgiving. I'm spending my cheek into this, even buying a plane ticket for my grandpa and anyone who needs to be here for her. Calling her cousins, friends and anyone that I know who loves my mom as much as I do. It may be impossible for me but for my mom I'll make sure it's  possible. This should be good for her, for me. Family is what makes her happy and I didn't notice that. If she got out of bed on a Saturday and cooking and cleaning and even dancing then there's hope. I have hope now. 

 

 Picture taken by me. 11/9/14 2:43 pm, she's was laughing before I took the picture. ❤️